100 things that make me...Me.

I have decided to lighten things up and have a little fun today. here's 100 things about me:
1. Every song that I have ever sung a long to is my favorite.
2. You Oughta Know is my favorite thing ever. I love any chance to scream the F word in my angry chick voice.
3. I don'tlike cats. i am allergic which helps but I don't know they always seem snobby to me, like they are judging me. could be my issue not theirs.
4. I still get giddy when i know my husband is on the way home from work.
5. I wanted 5 kids, Shelby wanted 2, we compromised on 3. 
6. I love soap operas and I hate when people get all judgy about it.
7. i have watched General hospital since i was 13.
8. I hold grudges.
9. when I am nervous in a social situations the stupidest things come out of my mouth.
10. i love American History. i love shelby because he does too.
11. i love to have the last word unfortunately I am not good at the last word and usually would have won the argument if I had stopped a moment sooner.
12. i have never had enough alcohol to be truly drunk.
13. i can't dance, not even a little
14.  My single greatest sports accomplishment was making a touchdown in flag football in 8th grade, it was a quarterback sneak and my Gym teacher was so shocked an amazed that I walked around the rest of the day in grass stained pants.
15. I suffered a badminton injury in 9th grade. My parents used to explain my B in gym.  i was proud of the B.
16. I used to write all the time but i quit for years until i started this blog.
17. My mom makes the best chocolate cake
18. I have a really good memory. Like very good.
19. I once walked into the hallway when some idiots were breaking into our house.  i didn't tell my parents for a long time cause i thought it was a dream.
20. I love fishing w/ my dad.
21. i hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, american cheese, and ground beef (unless its a burger).
22.When i was 17 i got Mono, and it came w/ a severe case of depression.  My boyfriend did not contract it but my best guy friend did but there was no funky business.
23. i hate to make phone calls to make appointments, or order piza, or anything I get nervous and stupid on the phone.
24. I am pretty liberal and my hubby is pretty conservative.  Election time is kind of tense in our house.
25. I miss the old Tiger stadium.
26.  i love to watch burn notice. things blow up and the good guys almost always win.
27. i think its sexy when my husband tends to a fire.
28. i love my husbands t-shirts
29. I married Shelby and i was 21, my mom married my Dad at 21, My MIL married my FIL when she was 21. 
30. I love being in Michigan but I miss Georgia. especially my friends.
31.  I like to be right,i am bitchy when i am not
32. I love Dog the Bounty Hunter.
33. people are often silent when you announce your 3rd pregnancy.  okay that wasn't so much about me but I am just typing what pops into my head.
34. I love, love,love Grocery shopping and often have trouble sleeping prior to a Costco trip because I am so excited.
35. I usually can't sleep the day before I travel
36. I have wide feet it blows.
37. I am sort of angry w/ God and it bugs me.
38. I am a mom of a special needs child.
39. I have a genetic eye disease no one in family history has, my son has a genetic disease no one in his direct family history has
40. I have been changing diapers for 9 years, madison is almost out of them. i will cry happy tears once i can say she is potty trained.
41. I love to watch gone w/ the Wind, but i Rhett to come back.
42. follow up i actually watched on TV and rented the entire Scarlett movie sequelthing.  i didn't really like it but I wanted a hppy ending.
43. My favorite movie ever is American President w/ Micheal Douglas and Annette Bening.
44.i don't remember what happened in Goonies
45. I listen to country music. shelby said I would never get him to listen to it. he listens to country music a lot. He kind of likes it.
46. I think being a flower girl 3 times somehow cause a karma malfunction making it impossible for my girls to be flower girls.
47.I hate going to bed at night and hate getting up in the morning.
48. I consider my mom my best friend.
49. sometimes I hear the words that come out of mymouth and realize I am very much my fathers child.
50. I love to read.  I am really bad remembering to bring library books back. Its cheaper for me to have a kindle then pay late fees.
51. i wanted to be a special Ed teacher when i was younger but realized i would get to emotionally involved.
52. My child is special needs and I think that is how I will serve the special needs community. Not sure if that makes sense
 53. I really like pizza.
54. I have gained a ton of weight in the last year cementing my hypothesis that I might be a stress eater.
55. My husband is a  "Senior software engineer" because of this once in a while i can explain the build process.
56. i hate how almost every disney channel show has a girl that is not into school. especially the show w/ the dyslexic dancer they constantly protray her as stupid.
57. I facebook spy.
58. i like sex. TMI sorry running out of things about me. !00 is starting to feel overzealous.
59. I love trivia games. Especially ones I win
60. i like to win
61. monopoly bores me
62. I don't have even a little crafting ability. 
63. My kids prefer to not have cake on their birthdays
64. I only had a real relationship w/ one of Grandparents. In all fairness my Grandpa Guenther passed when i was 3.
65. Somewhere in the world I have an uncle no one in my family has ever met.
66.  I had great parents. a pretty idyllic childhood.
67. I went from my parents house to my husbands house which wasn't my life plan but the life turned out better then the plan.
68.  i love Little Women.
69. i don't like the Dallas Cowboys because a jerky guy in my 6th grade class wore a cowboy's jacket.
70. At 15 I had a huge crush on Dennis Rodman. it was the beginning of my bad boy phase.
71. When I was 11 my dad bought me a New Kids on the Block poster. they were kind of not cool anymore but he was so excited about it so I left it on my wall for 3 years.
72. I get jealous when woman call my husband Honey.
73. i cry, a lot, when i am angry, sad, happy, its what i do.
74. sometimes I laugh whens its really inappropriate and I can't stop. robbie's does it to.
75. i was in the room when my grandma passed.
76. My husband apologized after he said he loved me the first time.
77. I have been to Disney World 7 times
78. My favorite meal is shake and bake pork chops and baked potatoes w/ appple sauce.
79. because we are a family from 2 different places we eat coneys Detroit style and Cincinnati style.
80. I love to have breakfast at little greek coney islands
81. i always rinse my dishes before they go into the dishwsher. i feel guilty if I dont. I blame my grandmother.
82. I have the Grease singing and Dancing game for our Xbox. contrary to what I thought I am no Olivia Newton John
83. I hate when people tell me God has a plan/ Although I am pretty sure I have covered that here.
84. i was a bad bank teller but an excellent cashier. i can't figure out why.
85. I love being married.
86.  i don't mind playing Barbies w/ Madison.
87.i can't drive right now because of my eyes and it makes me feel completly useless.
88. i don't like volunteering at my kids school. I know its important to be involved in their educationso i am but not other kids. yes maybe that is awful but it's truthful
89. My dad and I stayed up really late to beat Mario 3 once.
90. I liked baywatch when it was on.
91. i remember every second of my first roller coaster ride at Cedar Point.
92. My husband makes really great bread. i buy really great bread.
93. I love being able to see both sides of our family w/ some frequency,
94. i almost beat up the bus driver today cause i heard yelling for kids to hurry up and I thought he was yelling at Robbie.
95. I relate to taylor Swifts fifteen. its great song and I have totallly been there.
96. i had a magical kiss in the snow when i was 15.  the boy was all wrong but it is a perfect little memory.
97. i never thought i would live far from my parents. I was gone for 7 years but i feel so glad to be back.
98. My brother once caught my head while fishing.
99. I met my husband online but I hate saying that because it was such small amount of time and most of the relationship stull happened after we met in person.
100. Being a mom was my life goal. being the mom of these 3 awesome kids is beyond anything i could find the words to explain.
No way am I editing this. Sorry wanted to post something light today.

Empty

Nothing looks the same to me anymore.  I try find to peace,faith, something to hold onto but I am empty.   I try to care about eating healthy or having a healthy budget but all i can think is that my child is suffering and i cant save him.

I can pretend so well that i am fine. Its almost a game this mask I wear.  I seem strong, maybe somewhat capable but I am a mess.  it's like I'm  numb or cynical but I feel like nothing will ever be good again. I am still so confused that this happening. How can it just happen?  This makes no sense to me. How can their be perfectly healthy murderers and sick children in the same world?

I feel like we are being punished for some reason. Nothing works out anymore.  I don't even remember what it was like to be normal, to have faith in a future.  i was always so certain in my faith, my believe in an afterlife.  Now I just can't find a way to believe in a higher power. Okay i guess i believe in a higher power i just don't know how to faith in something that could allow this to happen to my kid.   I keep reading that God's plan is perfect but honestly I can't say i get that.  In no way can I believe there is some perfect reason for this. I just can't.

Every milestone we pass now is like being punched in the gut.  stating a new school year means we are 1 year older, 1 step  closer to the inevitable. I wish I didn't feel this way that I could find a way to be happy and content but maybe i am just not built that way.  

I feel like a shell of my former self.  some days I look in the mirror and the person looking back at me is so tired, not young or carefree but weighted down and filled w/ venom and sadness.  Sometimes when moments of happiness strike it actually hurts.  it hurts to go through life knowing what I know. I want to give up but i can't because he needs me.

For Robbie, I find a way to fake it when I have to.  i fight the battles I have too and keep my broken heart to myself.  i talk to his doctors and his teachers and i find a way to keep togethe because I have too.  Only here and w/ my mom or shelby do I let my guard down.  Only to shelby do I share the dark thoughts the ugly kind the kind that I hate myself for having but can't escape.

I carry on because I have to but i yearn to be normal, to not have an iEP, to have faith, to look forward to tomorrow.