Feeling sad...

I thought I would feel stronger by now. I am not stronger.  I have been trying to pretend that I am, to put up a facade. i got it in my head that I wasn't allowed to feel sad anymore.  that i had to be fund raising and helping charities and if I took time to just let myself be sad I would be letting everyone and mostly Robbie down.

I just cannot keep it up anymore.  I am hurting.  I don't know how to fight  this disease because I am still so so angry.  I was afraid I couldn't blog about this anymore that it wasn't fair to anyone that was reading if I said I wasn't feeling any better.  It's not fair to me though if I hold everything in. i cant force myself to be less devastated so that it doesn't make other people uncomfortable. 

Honestly no one around me outside of Shelby can possibly understand what i am feeling.   I am stuck in that day in December. when i close my eyes I hear the doctor telling us.   I don't understand how this can just be randomly happening.  I feel so guilty. I managed to grow both my girls in my belly and they are perfectly healthy, why not Robbie?

i try to take comfort in the research but it's not happening fast enough.  why can't someone just find a way to make this disease go away?

I feel so guilty when I read about other mom's starting charities and fighting when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.  I guess grief isn't a paint by number thing.  I can't force myself to be doing better just so I can start fighting.  I have to work through all this on my schedule, my way.  Some days i just can't be strong, I can't pretend every things fine when honestly, I can't say it will ever be fine again.