Peace

Before i start this, i need to say how heartbroken i am by the events that transpired on December 14th.  Everytime i look at my children I feel so much sadness for the mothers that arent able to see and hold their children today.  This blog is not going to be my usual rant and rave session today...

I have spent the past 12 months pretty angry and sad.  I have mourned the life I wanted for my child and  also mourned him in a way.   i have thought of years ahead of now and trials my family may face.  i have shed so many tears over what may happen in the future.  It is hard not to imagine what the future holds even as the future for DMD patients is constantly changing and the statistics are slowly changing.  its a hard way to live a life.

For Robbie and my girls i need to start moving past this.  There is much i can't control in life but there is a lot i have the power to change.  I have decided to stop measuring myself by other mothers. Not everyone can run the charities and be the face of dmd families. maybe that isn't the path I go. maybe my contribution will be in fund raising and hugging.  The point is this happens to all sorts of people from all walks of life and we all will react and deal differently.

It simply comes down to i can live my life sad and angry or I can grab on to the hope and love in my life and carve out some happiness for my family.  The love I have for my kids isnt going to be any different if my kids are walking or in a wheelchair.  I need to stop fearing what might be and enjoy what is.

I don't think there will ever come a time i wont have a slightly heavier heart or won't wonder, why?  I have to be able to have those feelings and still be a functional person.  I could literally drown in sadness or I can choose to live w/ the sadness.  Not  in sadness but accept that i feel it but that it doesn't lessen the happiness and love I have in my heart too.

i think it is natural for me to question God, question by faith in a situation like this.  As i told Kelsey though I am sure there is a God and a heaven because i watched my Grandma pass and I knew instinctively it didn't end for her that day.  i know there is a god because i know the blessing of children. 

Last week started w/ Kelsey talking to Shelby and I about Robbie and her standing up to some kids giving him a hard time.  She wrote a speech for her class, checked out some books from the library, and most importantly she talked and she keeps talking.  There were hard questions and some tears but  I am so very proud of her. 

I want end as I stared today.  Kelsey asked me if I thought all those kids in Connecticut went to Heaven.  i told her I like to think that all the moms and dad and grandparents that are up there were waiting for them.  i told her my grandparents and Daddy's grandpa, and Danielle's  dad were all there and that all those children are feeling a lot of love.  I pray that all those families find some sort of peace and i cry w/ them.