Strong enough

Most the stuff I type here is hard for me to read.  I really wanted to have an honest place to just put my thoughts to words.  Actually there was a part me that felt and stills feels someone needed to say this sucks.

I am all for hope and fighting, prayer and spiritual strength, but I don't think that can be the whole story. As parents in this community I think we have a responsibility to tell other moms " You don't have to be strong.  That being sad, stressed, scared, and angry doesn't make you weak just human.

I know we all want to be the amazing mom w/ the charity. The mom yelling the loudest, leading the charge, but its just simply not in everyone.  I have spent a lot of time feeling like I wasn't good enough. Every time I read "I had to make a decision or wallow or fight" or something like that I felt a punch in the gut. I would get angry. Start feeling like I was letting Robbie down.

My strength isn't organization.  I literally dread making phone calls even to order pizza. The deli counter can cause me to have a nervous breakdown, and don't even get me started on special orders at a restaurant. I can't change this part of me because Robbie has Dmd. 

It has taken me a long time accept that my fighting will be done in this house or surrounded by others.  Robbie needs mommy. He doesn't care that I don't run a charity. He cares that I love him through all the challenges and mountain climbs we will face.

Robbie needs me to be his advocate not muscular dystrophies advocate. I fully support the mothers that are leading the fight. They are my heroes but that doesn't. Mean the moms quietly charging forward in the face of the unthinkable aren't heroes too.

I guess I want us all to have a voice.  I want any other mom still grappling w/ some of the worst news imaginable that, it's okay. You don't have to be super mom.

Getting this kind of news, watching your child struggle, and facing an uncertain future is HARD.  There are days you will want to hide in bed and pretend this isn't happening. Do it. Give your self time to feel sorry for yourself.  This isn't supposed to happen to our babies. It's fine to be angry.  I yell at God daily. I figure if he cant handle me being mad at him how powerful can he be?  It's okay to fight to charge on. We are all facing the same mountain but  we will all climb it differently.

Every day I wake up, tell my kids I love them, and have as much normal time as possible.  Today Robbie asked if I always knew he had muscular dystrophy and if it was hard when we found out. I told him we didn't know until he was 5 and it was the hardest thing I ever had to hear.  Then he asked if it hurt when they cut him out of my belly. Boys!

I just want us all to be the best mom we can be. Facing this mountain is courageous.  Loving them is all out kids need.  If you are doing that you are doing your best.