When I was a kid I was sure high school would be like "Saved by the Bell" or "90210". It wasn't. I got my heart broken, I may have broken a couple (humor me I might have.), I got Mono, miserably failed typing, and found out I had absolutely zero ability to speak a foreign language. I survived I took my lemons and in the end I was proud of the lemonade I made.
When I was 15 I was sure I had found happily ever after. 15 year olds can be really stupid. I dusted myself off, it's a blessing at 15 to realize you don't have to settle, that the first frog isn't always the Prince. Lemonade.
I thought college and a journalism career was my path until my path changed. Turns out falling in love doesn't have a timetable. Honestly not the worst lemonade. I have an amazing husband, a good, simple, happy life. Lemonade.
At 25 I found out our 2nd baby was a boy. Finally a boy for the name I had picked out way back before I knew where babies came from.
I thought he was perfect. Yeah, I realized it was taking him a while to walk but his sister was late too. Yeah, he isn't talking perfectly but Kelsey talked so much I shouldn't compare. He falls a lot? So do I nothing to see here.
I thought it was so great to be young parents, to be able to have a 2nd newlywed period when they all moved out. The Grandma I planned to be, the holidays w/ son in laws, and a daughter in laws, the lectures I would give, the trips we would take just the 2 of us, the RV, the simple life it's what I had or I guess really wanted. Then Lemons came and this time I can't find a way to lemonade.
The truth is I can't find the light anymore. It's like I am drowning and I can't see the surface. It hurts so damn bad just to be alive. I force it down, I mean Muscular Dystrophy certainly doesn't give us a few years to get it together. I mean the simple life? Ha, more like hurry don't forget this appointment, crap how do we pay for that?, IEP at 8am before school? Sure we will just call Mary effing Poppins to watch the kids, Oh shit I forgot to enjoy that moment, Did you give him steroids? You need the day for vacation so we can go to this doctor, No. I will do my surgery next year when we have more in Fsa, and my favorite " I know it's uncomfortable baby but you will get used to it."
I am so alone everywhere I go it seems. I am so angry. I keep thinking okay this is it , we found rock bottom then it falls out again. I can't get anything organized not my laundry, not my health, and certainly not any lemonade.
I'll be honest Robbie's journey to a diagnosis happened between November 8th and December 15th essentially robbing me of my favorite time of year. I force myself thru these months for the kids but if I could stay on the meds from my shoulder injury for the whole time and sleep through it well one can wish, right?
I guess sometimes there just can't be lemonade. Some pain can't just be pushed through, sometimes there isn't a lesson, no silver lining happily ever after. Where is my strength my fight? I thought you got that when you got bad news. A consolation prize.
The real secret is I want to take my family and run. Pretend this isn't happening. I wonder if that urge ever goes away. I keep putting my emotions and my feelings in somebody else's box. Oh she is way strong then me why can't I handle this like her. I keep eating because exercising to be healthy seems comical when a diagnosis can just swoop and take every thing away.
There is no lemonade because there are too many lemons. I feel godless and alone for the 1st time ever. Where there used to be a path there's only hurdles and they seem daunting and unending. I don't want lemonade. I want to be a woman that turns to faith, a mom that is fearless and strong, and the person everyone leans on. I feel like the old guy in "Up" well before he met the boy.
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