A Full Pantry

So I'm not sure if I've been clear enough here but I've never intended for this blog to be inspirational or inspiring. I know there are many people in the duchenne community that fill that need. Me? Nope I'm angry,sad,agnostic,and just trying to get through this and figure out what it means for my family.

That's not to say I'm angry all the time but I just can't say this is just God's plan and accept it. If I'm being honest I'm kind of jealous of those that can find peace there.  I can only tell you what I'm feeling and where my mind goes too. It's not always going to be comfortable or inspiring but it is as real as I can be. It helps me to say what is going on in my head. I honestly hope that some day we can live in a world where being sad and angry or even crying isn't seen as a weakness.

So now that that's out of the way let me tell you about a small moment of peace I found at 5 am Tuesday morning. I couldn't sleep something that has plagued me my whole life and especially when I'm dealing w/ happy or sad things.  Or in this case just the bittersweet knowledge that Robbie is eligible for a wish from Make a Wish of Michigan. It's awesome and amazing and I am so excited for him on one hand. On the other hand honestly none of us have these kids hoping they qualify for a wish. I am so touched by what this organization does for children but so sad one of my kids fits the "life threatening illness" eligibility guideline.

Anyway, 5am and I can't sleep. Staying in bed isn't helping. I decide to pack lunches that way at least I will have a head start on the morning. I go into the pantry and it hits me. Though our challenges are many and our family faces a lot things that are frankly unfair, I have a fully stocked pantry, I can walk into my pantry on nearly any day and make my kids a meal. No, it won't cure my baby but it's something to smile about.

That's the real challenge,right? It's not about strength or weakness. Sometimes it's just about finding the small happy thing to get you through the damn day or a few hours of sleep in my case. I think Shelby and I have worked very hard to keep my kids life as happy as possible. We don't lie to them or shy away from the harsh realities in their lives but we freaking laugh and smile as much as we can even when we are crying.

So my full pantry won't cure duchenne. It won't  cure my emotional insomnia. It won't change my children's harsh realities. It will only give meals to share together and when your time w/ kids is threatened to be shorter then most, you share whatever you can for as long as you can.