blah...

Some days it takes everything I have just to get dressed.  I know I am depressed but honestly i really am not ready to feel any other way.   i want to care about Robbie's absences, losing weight, and our budget but I simply  don't care.  I am sick of doctor appointments and laundry and cooking and functioning.

Shelby and I are doing a crappy job of functioning.  Seriously we lost a Friday folder which is like a prek crime. We completely missed  permission slip for Kelsey to participate in an activity at school, we never go to bed before 1 am, and sometimes we pick political arguments w/ each other just so we can yell.  I wish we could just snap out of this but i can't begin to imagine how we do that.

I just hurt so much these days, at times it's all I feel. Other times i am so angry it makes me feel sick.  I just really miss happiness, my believe in a greater good. I even miss the stupid stuff that used to make me mad.

It's strange when the future becomes something you can't think of.  The future scares me so much but I miss the hope of the future.  Now it's a dark place I protect myself from.

We are trying to decide if and when to move back home but it isn't an easy decision.  Staying in Georgia offers a lot. Cost of living is way lower, no snow, amazing friends, and this is the place we have raised our family so it's home too.  Home on the other hand has family and you can't really put a price on that. There is a familiarity there that no place else can offer.  I know after we found out both Shelby and i wanted our moms and I don't think that has changed for either of us but we have 3 kids, 2 of them in school and we can't just leave. There is other employment issues at play here and everything is just shaky right now.

I am still in shock honestly, I still type DMD because typing the words is too hard for me because I will say them in my head.  I can't believe this is happening. He had a speech delay.