Light

December 16th was almost worst then December 15th. i will never forget waking up that morning. there was a second I was just waking up and i sat up turned my alarm off and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell back into bed sobbing. I remember how alone and helpless I felt in that moment. I didn't know how I was going to get thru Christmas or well life. Somehow insulated by family we got through the holidays and even enjoyed them. Then we had to come back home...

We thought we were alone. That we wouldn't have anyone to lean on. Which having seen my friends rally around other friends was kind of stupid for me to think but I thought it. One night I went to a mom's night out and there were so many friends there, some I hadn't seen in a aout a year. They hugged me, they gave me and my kids gifts, offered support, nights out, babysitting, and they had contacted so many vendors, so many outings and passes for different places donated to us from so many businesses and really they are still coming in. It was simply amazing. I have never in my life felt more support and more just goodness. Sometimes it takes the bad things to make us see the good things in our lives.

Which brings me to the last week. Sunday, I was feeling kind of crappy and i woke up and looked at my email. there was one from my friend, Tara with another message she had from a photographer. a beautiful sweet message offering to take pictures of our family so that I could remember what Robbie looks like right now. It is so incredibly generous, Shelby and I were both moved to tears.

i am still having such terrible moments of sadness. The hurt I feel it never stops. Ever. I do feel stronger everyday. I do know I'm not alone, I just want people to know that when we hear the world is different ,less kind then it was a generation ago maybe it really isn't. Maybe sometimes life, the media, society become so focused on the bad that we simply dont see the good.

My life is different then it was on December 14th. there is a black hole of suckage in my life now but there is also a great deal of love. i don't understand why this is happening. I do feel supported though. I do know we have lots of people willing to give us a shoulder to cry on. I know that there is light in my life no matter how dark it feels.