Better?

People think I am doing better. Truthfully I am just a lot better of an actress then anyone was previously aware of.  I am mostly a shell  of a person forcing myself through the days. I live in fear of missing something happy and amazing about my son, missing some memory I will need later.  How I hate later now.

In September Shelby and I made the decision to stay here and build a house. We talked to builders about these gorgeous 2 story houses w/ turning staircases and 5 bedrooms so we had a guest room.  Then December 15th 2011 changed every dream, every goal, everything.  I refuse to even look at houses now because that dream is dead to me.  That was the dream of a mom that thought she had forever.  A mom that thought she was one of the lucky ones.  One of the ones that got to have healthy kids.

It is so hard to articulate what this feels like, truly I don't think it's understandable.  There is this huge sense of loss , then guilt for wasting a minute of what time you have feeling sorry for the yourself. It is such a struggle all the appointments, the sense of hurry up and enjoy today and then hating yourself for having that thought, the IEP's the explaining what this all means to people.

He has been tardy 10 times since school started they tell me one more time and we have to have a meeting.  Seriously bring it on.  I mean we are dealing as best as we can. Sometimes Shelby and I, we miss the alarm because we were up late talking or crying . I want to know what the school would suggest?. How they think we should be handling this? Don't get me wrong I get they have jobs to do but you see right now I just don't care.   I think we are doing the best we can and that is all I have to offer anyone.  My child is sick and somethings suffer.

Shelby and I are hurting but we still have to be mom and dad.  He has to work and care about build processes and I have to fold clothes and wash dishes.  We are so bad at budgeting right now.  i mean how do you care about paying the garbage bill when your kid is sick?  I don't cook like I used to because I am always tired, always carrying this huge heavy grief is exhausting.

I want to say this because I think it is important I don't want to offend any one so if you think I am attacking you I am really not because unless you have been where I am right now it isn't understandable.. Please never stay quiet because you don't have the right words to say to someone in my situation.  Finding out your child is sick is instantly isolating.  It is scary and terrifying and thankfully unknown to most people.  The words people have said to me they give me strength they tell me I am not alone and that is a precious, priceless gift.