1:30AM

No offense to Robbie's Neurologist, I am sure he's a very nice man, but he is pretty high on my list of not favorite people. I dread going there 8 hours from now. I don't want to ever go in that room again. I hate that room. I hate that place ,I hate the look in everyones eyes ,and I hate that they weren't wrong. that they didn't call and say they made a mistake.

i hate that this is happening. I don't know any other way to explain it then that. My heart is just broken. I keep wondering how the hell I am supposed to enjoy the time I have left when I feel so broken. I want my baby to be okay. Why can't he be and how do I accept that he isn't?

Robbie was the most planned for of our children. Kelsey wasn't really planned and Madison was more a spur of the moment decision. Robbie on the other was planned and loved even before he existed. I feel so guilty now for wanting a boy. I can't tell you how many time I have thought if only he had been a girl.

I worry about my girls all the time too. Am I still showing them the love they need? How will all of this affect them? My life right now is a big bunch of worrying, crying, and pretending everything is okay.

In a few hours I will wake my boy up feed him breakfast,convince him taking steroids is important, go to a doctor again, drop him off at school and then go home and lick my wounds. I don't want to do that I want to have another day like I just had. I want to laugh w/ my kids. I want hunt down samples at Costco, and debate the merits of various dried apples. I want to watch them run around Catch Air. Hear them talk about it in the back seat. I want to be the family that is simple. the one where the kids grow stronger not weaker. The one that thinks the future is still bright.

I don't want to see Robbie suffer. The thought of that keeps me up at night. the thought that he will have to know at some point. That someday he will know he is different just about kills me.He will ask me why because thats what Robbie does. I am going to have to look him in the eye and say I don't know. I hate this disease. I hate that there is no cure. I hope everyone that reads this learns to hate it too.

I got in a silly facebook argument the other day. Pisses me off that I wasted time on that. Although in all honesty the emotion and anger really helped me get a lot of stuff out. I guess though I feel so helpless right now i just want to fight something. I don't know how to fight DMD right now. I know that this is all fresh and eventually I will have and a plan, a direction this is all going in but right now I feel like I am lost in a dark forest.

I have great friends. they are puling me through this every day. They have blessed us w/ so much. i cant begin to explain how much Shelby and I appreciate all these things we get to enjoy w/ our kids because of the things they have done. Sometimes you don't realize how much love is in your life until you need it. Thank you ladies, for the laughs, the hugs, and the awesomeness. I am so getting T-shirts made.