3am

The key to sleeping for me right now is thinking about anything but the future. I in general take a good 30 minutes to fall asleep so I do some serious thinking when I am trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I think about vacations when i was a kid, my honeymoon,whatever i can to not think about DMD. Last night I didn't do so good.

It was 3am, I needed to be up in 3 hours and I was wide awake. When we first went to bed we were talking about the stages of grief. I said " Shelby I am still in the anger stage and I don't want to move to the next one I don't like it.' He says "What is it." Me "acceptance, I don't want to get there" Shelby"What is after that?" Me " I don't know that pissed me off so I quit reading."

i am torn about whether or not i want to get there. We have all seen the stories about these super parents that took some sort of horrible news and became crusaders or made all these decisions to make their child's life amazing. I want to be that mom but I wonder where I will get the strength to be that?

So it was 3am and I wasn't asleep, sometimes when we have a few hours of normalcy, I start to forget a little and it is like being punched in the stomach when it comes back to me. I want to enjoy every single moment of happiness,savor every laugh, every stall before bed but it is so hard to try to be a normal. It seems so unfair that i have to force myself to parent and discipline and be his mom when I want to curl up w/him in my arms and never let go.

I don't want this disease to claim my child. I am so pissed that there isn't a cure. I am mad that when I see the charity things at the store i only donate a 1.00 or my spare change. I feel guilty for every prayer I ever had that was for something stupid and unimportant. Every time I prayed to be liked in high school or that my parents wouldn't find out about a bad grade. Maybe I used up all my good outcomes. Which I can almost believe until i think about Saturday night.

I don't think I can use enough words to explain the love my friends showed my family and I. The memories they made it possible for us to share w/ our son.The words they wrote and said, the joy and laughter they gave me. In a moment of such pain and anger they gave me hope. They showed me that Shelby and I are not fighting this alone. Thank you ladies you are everything good in this world.

This week i am going to try and focus on a few things. Trying to find something to be grateful every day no matter how small and a stock up grocery list. i guess baby steps back to normalcy.