long day../

I want December 14th back so bad I can't stand it. I want my kid to be okay. This isn't right, hes a sweet little boy he doesn't deserve this. Shelby and I don't deserve this. My girls they deserve more. Our parents shouldn't have to be hurting for us and Robbie. Any family dealing w/ this it just isn't right.

I dont want to trust God because I always have and this is where it brought me. i am so mad i want to scream and yell but it feels so pointless. He fell down today just running like 5 year old boys are supposed to. He is always a mix of a pain in the ass 5 year old and a sweet little mommas boy and I don't want there to come a day he isn't here. I don't want to make major life decisions because he is going to get worst. I want what everyone else gets

I don't want to sign papers for him to be evaluated for special Ed or go to heart,lung, and brain doctors. Sometimes I wish our house would explode or something so none of us had to do this. I want hope for a cure or even just something to make this less catastrophic but how do you hope for something that they have been researching for years but have basically a bunch of not enough.

I want Robbie to have the same chances my girls have. I want family pictures that don't include wheelchairs. I don't want to know the things I know now.

They say God has a plan well i am sick of not knowing what it is. You know what God a plan isn't enough! I am faithful, I believe everything I am supposed to and this is your plan? Serial killers get to grow to adulthood but you are going to shorten my boys life? What could your damn plan be that makes that okay. What is so damn important for me to learn? I don't want to learn it! Send me to Hell, I don't care I can take I'm an adult he's a child. You are wrong this time.

I want to be hopeful to see light when I am surrounded by darkness but I can't. Isn't that the worst, God? Here i sit angry and hurt and railing at you and I still want to believe there is light. Please please take this away. I can take anything I swear. Please make it me not him. Please.
,