I am considering leaving a day early for Disney so I can avoid sending Robbie to school on field day. I am just so worried he will get hurt or worst yet have to sit on the sidelines and feel different. I want to protect him. I just keep thinking what I wouldn't do for a couple more years of not knowing.
I just sometimes can't figure out how to accept this. He was fine and then he wasn't anymore. I can't say he's healthy. I miss saying at least we are together and healthy. I get stronger everyday, or at least I force myself to think i am. This is so random so unfair I just I can't believe its happening.
I am so worried that we are going to have to tell him soon. i don't want to. Shelby and I are so afraid and sad and I just don't want him to feel that too. He is such a rambunctious kid and even though a year ago that would stressed me out now I cherish it because I don't know how long he will be like this.
lately I keep thinking of the time he was born. We were going through some serious financial hardship and he cried all the time. Neither him nor I slept much the first 5 months. I feel so guilty that I didn't enjoy that time more that I complained so much about being tired. It sounds silly but i had 5 years where he was just my kid. There were no labels or IEP's . No steroids and low sodium diets. I feel so robbed now. I think what would I have done if I had known.
I would have taken more vacations. I would have spent more time w/ family. I would have yelled less. I would have played cars w/ him more. Stressed less about the little things. I would have made bigger grander birthday cakes (okay not really he doesn't like cake) I would have complained less when he curled up next to me in the middle of the night and stole my blanket. Not that it matters because I can't go back.
I miss normalcy and I don't think I have the words to explain what I mean by that but God, I just miss it. I am having a rough couple of days having a medical issue of my own, taking Madison for a well baby visit, learning how to do heel cord stretches for Robbie, Shelby having job anxiety,its just a lot. I am not the strongest person and I keep calling on reserves i am not sure I have to get through each day. I'm tired. Sleep just never seems restful anymore. I just want a cure. I want to watch my baby run. I want the life we had before. I want life not measured before and after December 15th, 2011. most of all I want a tomorrow for my boy.
You don't know me, my name is Tammy Webner. My daughter Rielli drowned and was revived when she was four. That was four years ago (almost). Compaired to many of the other children, she is doing well. I really appreciate your candor and vulnerability. I so relate to what you are saying. For months after Rielli's accident I kept hearing this plaintive voice in my head whining "i want to go home!". I was overwhelmingly sad when I realized that my "home" didn't exist anymore. I want to say it gets better, but of course nothing is that clean. I'm sad, i'm angry, and I miss my daughter while trying to raise my daughter!. I have so many of the same regrets thatnyou expressed. I try to use those regrets to spur me on now. Do I want to look back and have bigger regrets about now?! I don't think I could bear that weight. It also helps me to remember that this is still my children's childhood, though nott the one I'd planned, and I refuse to give them a life run in perpetual grief. I don't know if this is any help - but you're not alone. Write if you would like.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Tammy
fieldseeker@yahoo.com