We took Robbie to the doctor today because he has a nasty cold. As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor my mind drifted thinking how much time we have spent sitting in rooms like that recently. i suddenly had an overwhelming urge to cry. How I miss the days af simple sick visits w/ an occasional well baby visit thrown in.
In the last few months I had forgotten what its like to go somewhere where people know your family a little. To see someone that seems to genuinely care how my baby is. As we were leaving we ran into the doctor that ordered Robbie's first round of tests. She talked to him asked him how he was. She looked up at us and said how are you doing? I shrugged my shoulders, bit my lip, and said okay. She hugged me and said"I know, as good as you can be." and smiled a sad smile.
By the time we got to the front desk I was in tears. I miss being good, I wonder if I will ever be good again or will my life be just as good as it can be considering, for the rest of it? Some days even though I am feeling stronger I still feel so alone, so helpless. I stare at other families so jealous they aren't having to fight this battle, wondering if they look at us and can see we are tragic. The family in front of us was taking forever to check out, I kept staring at the sons calve muscles and I was so jealous that his weren't enlarged. Then I felt like a horrible person. I don't want to wish this on anyone else yet a small part of me does. I am so tired of all of this today. I just want to be normal again.
I don't mean to whine but some days I just feel so sorry for our family and my son.Some days I just want things to be different.
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